To some people, I guess it’d be a mystery as to why I would choose to come out as a bisexual for the first time here and now. (God, writing this is so scary. Bear with me!) It took me a couple of days to figure it out myself. Sure, I’ve told my husband, and my best friend, and my mother during one especially passionate screaming match. But I never really felt the need to bring it to attention before, so I just treated it like some intensely private thing.
I’m a happily married, twenty-three year old woman with a sixteen month old. To a lot of people, that would automatically mean that I am straight, or that my bisexuality is somehow canceled out simply because I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he’s a man. People have such weird ideas about bisexuality.
That’s why I’m here, I guess. Because of how bisexuals are so often portrayed, especially young bisexual females.
I live in a small town, and at my high school there were only a few openly gay people. But one time these two girls who were both known to have had boyfriends in the past started holding hands in the hallway, and kissing each other around campus. They changed their statuses online and let it be known that they were officially dating.
The most common reaction amongst my classmates? “They’re doing it for attention.” “They’re doing it so guys will think they’re hot.” “They’re doing it to be trendy.
Nobody took them seriously. And if it’s not sad enough seeing these reactions in person, imagine reading books and watching TV and movies were the majority of young bisexual females are portrayed as overly promiscuous bad girls who are more into the sex than anything else. (And hey, of course that person exists, and that’s totally okay. It’s not, however, an accurate or fair representation of all young female bisexuals.)
I saw this episode of Tyra that was all about “Barsexuals.” Apparently a barsexual is a straight female who makes out with other women in bars in order to score men and get free drinks. When asked if they are bisexual, these women were quick to deny. Whether they were lying, or weren’t sure, or were telling the straight up truth, why are situations like these being highlighted as opposed to more authentic ones?
I know it happens. But there just isn’t enough of the average. I was inspired by Scott Tracey’s post about having gay characters that are simply gay. Their sexual orientation is just another part of them, rather than being a highlighted feature in the story. I haven’t read many books featuring bisexual characters, but the few that I have read were portrayed dryly and with hurried cliches. And while bisexual characters in general would be a refreshing thing to see, it’d be even more impressive to meet a serious but totally average teen bisexual. (If anyone has any suggestions, I’d love for you to leave them in the comments so I could read up!)
It’d be extra difficult to cover I know, since high school can be a confusing time as far as sexuality goes. While I was in high school, I definitely would have put myself in the Q category of LGBTQ, rather than the B. But I know that there are young female bisexuals out there, wondering why they aren’t anything like the bisexuals they see in books and on TV.
And it’s for those girls that I’m here now. Write your characters, tell your story, be yourself. But please, on behalf of the evolution of human acceptance, ask yourself if it’s possible to include LGBTQ characters in your novel. Bisexuality, being gay, being transsexual, these aren’t new things. The number of LGBTQ people isn’t rising, it’s just that the number of people comfortable enough to admit it is. If we can support each other enough through our writing to keep that number rising, having a more true to reality ratio in the media will follow naturally.
Amy Lukavics is a YA writer represented by Joanna Volpe of Nancy Coffey Literary and Media Representation. Besides writing and reading, her other favorite activities include tearing it up on Xbox Live, cooking things that call for at least 4 cloves of garlic, and building pillow forts with her daughter Lily Mila. Gamertag: electric lola Twitter: @amylukavics Blog: hello, moon.
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Wow. Thank you for sharing something so personal. You are so right in what you said and I’m sad that I never really thought of it that way before. Awesome post and thanks again for sharing.
Ava, the main character in Pink by Lili Wilkinsion is questioning or bisexual and seems very natural, and sometimes, naturally, confused by this. By the end of the book she is not trying to identify by any exact description of her preferences. Here’s a link to the book on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8461405-pink
I haven’t yet had a chance to read it, but Alex Sanchez has a new book out called “Boyfriends with Girlfriends” that features both male and female bisexual characters.
This is a beautiful, honest post, Amy. And I couldn’t agree more! The lack of LGBTQ characters in YA feels unrealistic and really…a little alarming. Where is the representation for those teens?
Thank you, thank you for sharing.
Amy Lukavics = my hero.
Seriously.
<3
Thank you, Amy.
I’m also a bisexual woman married to a man and have gone through the thought process you’ve described here, struggling with my label (“well, bisexuals are often slutty chicks at bars so . . . maybe I’m queer? Maybe then people will believe me?). Finally, I came to the conclusion that it’s about damn time I embrace who I am and call a spade a spade–or a bisexual a bisexual.
Boyfriends with Girlfriends by Alex Sanchez isn’t perfect, but has a VERY accurate coming-out story for a female bisexual. That aspect of the story alone made me tear up. I’d never read a book that told MY story before, and I’m 27! Which shows how needed these stories really are. Yes, we’re here; yes, we exist. No, we won’t be erased.
Thank you for standing up for us.
Awesome post, Amy. I’m proud of you.
I am also a bisexual woman — married to the guy I’ve been with since age 18. My husband and close friends know this, but beyond them, I’ve had trouble “owning” the term. Mostly because people tend to assume you’re whichever sexuality your current relationship represents. I’ve always been afraid of seeming like I’m appropriating a term not meant for me, because my relationship precludes me from engaging in the queer community, outside of advocacy.
Complicating things, my twin sister is queer as well — out to me since age 15 — but in a long-term relationship with a woman. She’s also been in relationships with guys, but I can’t count the number of times people have asked me, “so is your sister still a lesbian?” People love to compartmentalize others under neat little titles, and sexuality doesn’t work that way.
As Amy and Phoebe said above — just because I’ve found my person, and my person happens to be male, doesn’t change the people to whom I’ve been attracted for the last decade and a half.
You’re post is soo inspiring. You have no idea how much.
As a teen graduating high school within this coming month, I have been through the torments of my sexuality all througout high school. I’ve been through trying to decide whether I was or not or whether it was just a phase. I think I’ve come to terms with myself and my sexuality but I’m not sure my boyfriend has.
I went through a “relationship” I guess you can call it at one point in time before my current boyfriend of almost four years which would be about my freshman year. We’ve known each other from church, strangely enough, from the 8th grade and have been best friends since. She was going through her “phase” of experimenting with other girls before me and she’s the one who stirred up the love of girls inside of me. Her and I became friends with benefits for a while, and I hate to admit it but during the first few months of my current relationship she and I were still messing around. During that time I developed feelings for her, but she completely shot me down not too long after calling what she felt “just a phase”. I couldn’t get over the feelings I had for her over the next year even though I was with my boyfriend. I’m still not over her and how much I’ve fallen for her, but I’ve come to terms with our friendship and we’re bestfriends. Not so much like we used to be, but I’m okay with that.
My boyfriend does know about how I’ve felt about her, but is still skeptical about my feelings towards girls. But seeing as how you’re married and coming to terms with your sexuality just brings such a light to my eyes. Everyone around me thinks I’m just straight because I’ve been with the same guy for almost four years, but truth is I’m not. They just don’t know what she and I did because I’m so shy about coming out with things like that. Especially if I’m unsure as to whether or not I want them to know about it.
Anyways, sorry for the rambling post. But THANK YOU! Thank you for your inspiring words and story. It means sooooo much to me. <3
You’re very much welcome for me opening up to you. I’ve been wanting to tell my story to someone in some way but I just didn’t know how and to who. By you coming out like this kind of made me want to say something. Makes me want to be comfortable with who I am and not be afraid to show it.
I am a shy girl in general and showing my feelings, especially toward a girl, is hard for me. I usually just keep to myself my inner comments, but sometimes I just want to scream to the world how much I want to experiment and open up my sexuality! But I don’t. With parents who are judgemental and strict it’s hard to decide what to do.
I do know who I am for the most part, it’s just getting people to accept who I like and why I like them is what’s so hard. I hope to just move past that one day. I’ve got time. I’m 18 and starting college in the fall! Woop woop! Maybe then I’ll break free of my shell.
So many people are hard-headed in this world, including me, but not when it comes to sexuality. You can’t help your own feelings and I’ve come to terms with that while many people haven’t.
I’m always going to be me as much as possible. And I’m never going to forget this. I’ve followed you on twitter so I hope to keep in touch. @LizzyBordenism is me.
And thank you again for everything. 🙂
As another married bisexual, thank you for bringing attention to this. It’s so so so frustrating. We’ve come a long way in bringing awareness to gay and lesbian issues (although we still have a long way to go), but I don’t feel that the same thing can be said of bisexuals.
Here is some more heartfelt thanks for this post, both to Amy and the Gay YA team.
I agree that there need to be more stories that include bisexuality as a legitimate orientation (as well as pansexuality, or just queer, or whatever term one wants to use). As someone who’s played both sides of the fence in my adult life, I know that it’s harder to remain active in queer circles if you’re currently dating someone of the opposite sex. After I split from my long-term female partner, I ended up falling for a guy and am still trying to navigate where I stand now. Too many LGBTQ people think that a queer woman with a man is just a sellout; too many straight people think she’s a stray come back to the fold.